- Pretend I’m a spy and follow someone for at least an hour
Growing up in the UK there is just one person cooler than all the superheroes out there. Bond: James Bond! Let's face it we've all wanted to be him. We've hidden behind trees using ours hands as an imaginary revolver. We've used tin cans with string between as walkie talkies. We've done very bad impressions of Sean Connery. Yes, all of us no matter how old we are would secretly (and sometimes publicly) like to be recruited by MI6 (but not have to actually die a horrible chip-pan related death like they do in Spooks).
So I thought it would be fun to have a go at a bit of spying for myself. If you've got kids you're allowed to play such games but as a childless woman in her 30s if you suggest you might follow someone around then people stop comparing you to Bond and instead compare you to Single White Female or the Bunny Boiler. There is indeed a fine line between spying and stalking and after a bit of thought (and a desire not to be arrested) I figured it might be safer to spy on one of my friends who will know which side of the stalk/spy line I'm on (that would be the Bond side in case you're worrying).
I've tried to subtly find out where friends might be before in the hope I could do this challenge but it's never happened. But yesterday I did some routine inquiring about what people were up to at the weekend and struck gold. I asked 2 friends in particular what they were up to - let's call them Target A and Target B. Target B informed me she was staying at home cleaning her flat. This was of no use to me. Whilst the challenge would be simple (park outside flat...read a book) it wouldn't make a great read but with Target A I struck gold. "I've got an appointment at the Apple Store at the Trafford Centre tomorrow - can't remember whether it's 11 or 12 though"... ok more silver than gold but that was a definite starting point.
At 10.55am this morning I selected a bench a little way, but within good sight of, the Apple Store and waited for Target A to arrive. I was not disappointed... within 5 minutes my subject had appeared. Here's my spy log.
1055 - Positioned on bench with view of Apple Store (AS) on Upper level of mall but with potential danger to be spotted by Target A as opposite main staircase.
1100 - Spot Target A. She goes past the front of AS and heads down stairs. Any second now she could see me. I hide behind my notebook. She descends, failing to spot me, and heads east. I jump up and try to follow her from the floor above looking down from the balcony whenever I can. I'm blocked by a little truck and by the time I reach the next vantage point I have lost eyes on her. I suspect she may be in the clothes store below but after no signs after a couple of minutes I return to my AS bench.
1110 - Still no sign of Target A so decide to go on a recce to the East.
1114 - I decide to go high risk and enter some of the clothes stores she may be in. Going down to the lower level I suddenly feel exposed. I have purposely dressed as inconspicuously as I can, in black, in order to blend into the crowd. I previously considered using one of my Poirot fake moustaches and my Ben Ainslie baseball cap but felt it might be too conspicuous. I also dismissed wearing the standard spy mac as my own mac is bright pink. I enter New Look and am momentarily distracted by nice shoes.
1120 - Target A has been AWOL for 20 minutes now as I enter Forever 21. No signs of her here so I climb back up the stairs to discover someone has taken my bench. I find another one and discover it's actually a better spy angle for the AS. A stranger sits next to me and within a minute starts scratching himself in private areas. (Do men honestly think we don't notice these things? It doesn't take a spy to spot this!).
1125 - Scratching man goes to meet partner and a girl with similar hair to Target A passes and causes me mild concern. The centre is getting busier now and it's harder to see the front of the store.
1130 - Now half an hour since last sighting. Beginning to see why life guards need to change over so often as my eyes are already tired from skittishly surveying 2 floors of shoppers. It's like Where's Wally when you don't even know if Wally's been to the AS and gone home again! Spying is beginning to bring out my own paranoia now as I start to wonder if the people on other benches are actually spying on me.
1136 - Another woman with similar hair to Target A passes. I feel the hope and disappointment once more. I decide to be proactive and send Target A a text message to subtly find out if she's still even in the Trafford centre.
1140 - With no reply on the text I consider going into the AS to see if they'll tell me her appointment time. It's busier still now and there are times when I cannot see the front of the shop at all. Someone could easily slip in during these times without my seeing them. I remember the appointment is to have her phone repaired so she may not even receive the text.
1145 - Just as I'm considering looking round the AS I spot Target A coming up the stairs towards me. I take some photos. If she looks up now I'll be rumbled. I am right in front of her (but a good 8 metres away). She doesn't see me and enters the AS. I follow from a safe distance. (I wonder whether spies have tests on safe distances just like braking distances in your driving test).
1152 - Having looked round the entire store and not spotted her (great spy I'm turning out to be) I walk out past a pillar to see I am almost directly in front of her and only about 3 metres away. I double back quickly. To get a picture of her I need to be on the other side of her. It's a massive risk - if she looks up as I pass the game is over. I'm looking mighty suspicious now as I pass to take the photo but the "Genius" salespeople fail to live up to their name. None of them seem to have worked out my plan. I hedge along the shelving unit pretending to look at iPhone covers... holding my Android phone in my hand I feel even more like I am breaking the rules here. (This is genuinely as wild and rebellious as I get!) I'm in place ready to take the snap but one little glance and she'll see me. I turn, snap and walk away as quickly as I can. I try to walk out nonchalantly (this is not a skill I possess) and retreat to my bench outside. The adrenaline is genuinely pumping (I told you this was as wild as I get). I keep watch of the doorway. I may be here sometime.
1207 - Although I've now completed an hour I'd ideally like to follow her back to her car so I wait patiently. I confess sometimes I drift off slightly as I picture M or Q and myself in a recruiting scenario. It's surely just a matter of time after all.
1216 - I decide to recce the store once more.
1227 - I am back at my bench having taken some photos right behind her. She had moved seats inside the shop which threw me. The staff kept looking at me strangely as I took photos but no one said anything. It dawns on me that it's an odd world we live in where no one questions my somewhat loopy behaviour. We Brits are literally too polite for our own good sometimes.
1241 - Still no exiting for Target A. Unless I've missed her. The novelty of being a spy is admittedly wearing off now as the wait goes on.
1248 - Somewhat bored and seizing up I decide to go for another recce. She's not there! A "Genius" asks if I need help and when I say I'm just looking for a friend he wisely states: "It's an abyss in here. You'll never see her again!" I fear he may be right. I concede silently that spying may not be my forte after all. I fear I'll never become 007's replacement (they must be into at least 4 figures for spy ids by now surely). Target A has given me the slip. I spoke no Russian. I drank no Martinis and no fast cars were driven (my 15 year old Peugeot is a long way from an Aston Martin with an ejector seat). But whilst in so many ways I've failed today I remind myself that I've actually achieved one of my challenges so perhaps there's hope for me after all. Well at least I could be one of the rubbish spies who gets themselves killed within the first 10 minutes of the film.
Here are the photos from my mission. I'm hoping Target A doesn't mind. (If she does then they'll be disappearing as quickly as she did from the Apple Store!) Now go get yourself some tin cans and string... you know you want to!
